Love Yourself
"No matter where you run, you'll always end up running into yourself," said Audrey Hepburn, who played the wildly eccentric and funny Holly Golightly in the film Breakfast at Tiffany's that came out in 1961.
As one of my all-time favorite films, I can't really explain why I like Breakfast at Tiffany's so much except for the reason that I can somehow relate to Holly Golightly. She continues to run from her past and try to "reinvent" herself to be the person she always imagined herself to be. Though I find her behavior outrageously funny, my hollow laughter resonates with familiarity to her predicament.
As a young teenage girl, I struggled with loving myself. I had grown to my full height of 5'7" in the sixth grade and had packed on an extra forty pounds because I didn't know how to stop eating during my rapid growth spurt. I remember coming home from school day after day with tears tumbling down my cheeks. The pain was real, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I couldn't keep kids from teasing me or saying hurtful things about me. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and worked tirelessly over the next three years to achieve what I thought was considered "beautiful". Unfortunately, the imbalance of that goal combined with the perpetual self-loathing led me to a very unhealthy place.
By the time I reached tenth grade, I was still 5'7" but had worked tirelessly to bring my weight down to 84 pounds. My once heavy thighs were now the size of my arms and my body resembled more of a skeleton than a robust, lively teenager. My goal had become my obsession and overthrown all reasoning. I no longer related to Audrey Hepburn, I wanted to be her--thin, beautiful and glamorous.
One day I I sat in the back pew of my father's church listening to the music thinking of how wonderful it would be to float away on the clouds and never have to think about my body, appearance or all the hard work it took to achieve "image" success. All the sudden, I heard a small voice whisper in my mind, "You are not meant to be anyone else. I made you exactly how I intended you to be--beautiful and whole."
As those simple words saturated my mind, tears began trickling down my sunken cheekbones. I had come to my breaking point where I could no longer run; I could not escape the pain of my self-criticism, the words of bullies or the person I was meant to be. I had to come to the realization that in order to truly live a life full of health, freedom and joy, I had to first love myself and stop running to try to become someone else.
I don't know what you may be struggling with today or if you even like yourself, but I do know that you and I will never truly understand the great life we are meant to live on this earth until we first embrace the person we see in the mirror. Remember, we are each beautifully made for a unique purpose. Only when we love ourselves will we find that great and marvelous purpose.
*Stay tuned for the longer version of my eating disorder journey "Overcoming My Obsession" coming in September.
