Why should we grieve?
Why should we grieve? This question has been tormenting my mind every day for the past three weeks. On January 5, 2018, I experienced one of the most traumatic experiences of my life---a miscarriage of twins. To some it may sound trifle, but to me it was soul-wrecking. To know that there was nothing I could do to keep the delicate, tiny lives within me safe and alive broke me in ways I had never experienced.
After several days of crying my eyes out and pounding my head with the pillow to silence my wails, I knew I needed to get up, take a shower, eat and move on with life. I yearned for distraction from the silence that haunted me with guilt and questions of how I could have prevented such a grave loss. I had to move on, but how?
Grief is a wondrous and terrible friend. It helps us to further understand the loss we have experienced, but at the same time it also brings more questions to the surface about who we are. Yes, we question why the person we loved so much is now gone, but even more so, we begin to question the person we have become. What is my life really about? If I died today, who would grieve my passing? Has my life made a truly profound impact on this world for good? Or have I just gone with the flow and lived a mediocre life?
Questions. Grief brings so many questions. Are they bad questions? Are they good? This is what I've been wrestling with these past three weeks. I have a beautiful, 3-year-old son, but I wanted another baby so bad. My heart ached every time I saw another person post their baby announcement on social media. Tears stung my eyes every time I saw a boy my son's age holding their sibling's hand or a new baby in their family. I wanted that so bad for my son and for our family. I didn't want my son to be alone.
I could keep asking myself "why" every day, but I realized that it's not going to bring back my unborn children and it's only going to prolong the grieving process. Instead, I have realized now more than ever how much I value the wonderful son I do have and to never take him for granted. Talk to anyone who has lost a child or struggled with infertility and they will open your eyes to the wondrous gift that a child can be in your life. This grief has helped me to cherish my son and hug him just a little longer each day.
Grief has also helped me to become more sensitive to others---to the women who have also experienced miscarriages, infertility and the loss of a child; to the men who have to be strong for their wives and cry even harder on the inside. There is no other pain like it. Words cannot describe it. You feel the most helpless when you cannot help your child.
I know I will move on and, with God's help, try again for another baby. But, I will never forget the little ones who are already in heaven growing up in a place that has no pain and no tears. They will not experience the hollowness that my soul has experienced the past few weeks, but I know I will see their beautiful faces someday and they will call me "mama". That is the hope I hold onto. We must rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
Thank you for letting me share my heart and even the painful parts of it. If you have experienced the loss of a child, I encourage you to not grieve alone. Please, email me your story. This is also a great book that has helped me during this time of mourning.
