Lost for Good
In early February 2011, I sat at a bar in Hollywood by myself wondering if I should order one more gin and tonic to subdue the intense agony inside my gut. The waves of anger and bitterness mixed with the gull of guilt boiled up inside me, and I knew that one more drink just wasn't going to change the outcome of my pain for tomorrow. It would only bring a temporary numbness that would eventually lead to a terrible headache and the same reality check the next day. Nothing could change the truth that a person I had trusted so deeply had betrayed me so quickly. I had lost everything---my marriage, my job, my credit, my money, my apartment, and my dignity. In the end, I lost myself. Everything had come crumbling down.
At that moment, I didn't think anything good could come from a marriage that had been destroyed by infidelity and a husband who selfishly chose to pursue whatever made him feel good. It was the nightmare that I never thought would come true in my own life. But, little did I know that when I hit the bottom of the pit and lost everything that I would actually gain more than I could ever comprehend. For you see, God lovingly allowed me to marry a guy who I knew was not right for me and to feel the consequences of my own self-made plans. If I had not tasted such tremendous pain, loss and betrayal, I would not have experienced the overwhelming need to be rescued, repaired and redeemed by a Savior. I would not have known that there was such a massive cavern within my soul that I had tried to temporarily fill for years with my own pride, greed, ambition, good works and addictions, but could only be filled with real love and real purpose.
I didn't have the next drink that night in Hollywood. Instead, I sobered up and went back to my little rented room, slept on the hardwood floor in a sleeping bag and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning still feeling the effects of the alcohol from the night before, but after sipping a strong cup of coffee I sat down and cracked open my Bible. I hadn't read it in quite a few months, but for some reason I felt like there might be something in it to sooth my heart that morning.
I stumbled upon Isaiah 54, which says, “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you back from your grief— as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer (Isaiah 54:4-8 NLT).
Redeemed. Could that ever happen to me? Could I ever be forgiven for the terrible choices I made and the way I disobeyed God?
The questions of guilt plagued my mind and heart for almost the entire year of 2011 as I attended counseling sessions and divorce recovery groups, but the truth of God's unconditional love and forgiveness didn't truly sink in till one day when I had this epiphany: My greatest loss was for my greatest good. Only when I lost everything did I truly find the greatest good for my life---Jesus. Losing everything that I valued as my strength and security catapulted me into the arms of the only One who could give me answers and hope and it all worked for my good.
Do you ever look back on your life and wonder why you made so many poor decisions or feel ashamed of your past? I encourage you to pray today and ask God to show you the good that can come from your losses. If you don't know Him, then I encourage you to pray for God to show Himself to you today and accept Jesus into your heart and life. It will bring more good than you could ever imagine. Your problems won't disappear overnight, but your view of yourself, your situation and of God will radically change. He will give you hope.
Isaiah goes on to give this amazing promise from God: “O storm-battered city, troubled and desolate! I will rebuild you with precious jewels and make your foundations from lapis lazuli. I will make your towers of sparkling rubies, your gates of shining gems, and your walls of precious stones. I will teach all your children, and they will enjoy great peace" (Isaiah 54:11-13 NLT).
God wants to bring us out of the pit and rebuild us. He wants to take all our losses and use them for our greatest good.
