How to Love the Unlovely, Even During the Holidays
When I think of the holidays, I tend to always imagine everything to be perfect with a table full of delicious food, beautiful decorations and endless hours of laughter. Rarely do I ever stop to think of the possible arguments, offenses or blow-ups that could happen at the dinner table or even while cooking the meal. My idealistic mind doesn't want to taint my "perfect scene" of how I think holidays should be.
Yet, there is a word that creeps into our ideal scenarios as we get older---REALITY. As we grow older each person of our family grows older, too. We each make choices, gain opinions and experience various things that give us strong viewpoints and perspectives on politics, religion, relationships, education, child-rearing, etc. Our minds become an endless encyclopedia of information and experiences that sometimes clash with others---especially those closest to us.
So, how do we love the people in our families that rub us the wrong way or don't have the same opinions we do? Here are just a few simple steps that can help any holiday dinner or get-together go well and not end in a disaster.
1. Leave the past at the door. Sometimes, the best preparation we can do for a holiday is to leave past hurts, assumptions or arguments at the front door before we walk in. Other people may not have let things go, but by conscientiously telling yourself that this is a new day with a fresh clean slate can allow you to not be pulled into the mud of another argument and actually enjoy your holiday experience.
2. Prepare your heart. If you still have hard feelings towards someone or there is a loved one who repeatedly offends you every year, then I encourage you to prepare your heart. We can't stop others from saying cruel words or causing us pain, but we can fortify our hearts to be more prepared for when and if it happens. I encourage you to read this proverb every day from now until you see your loved ones: "A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare." (Proverbs 15:1NLT)
3. Focus on the food. I have experienced some heated moments myself during the holidays and one of the most simple, but easy things to help calm me down and move on to another subject is to focus on the food. It sounds silly, but human beings love to talk about and eat food. If you don't want to get into a fight about presidential candidates, change the subject to Aunt Myra's yummy corn bread!
4. Let others shine. Holidays can bring out the worst in people, especially when trying to win the prize for most outstanding cook. No one may say they're competitive about cooking for the holidays, but deep down there may be a fiery vein of pride or selfish ambition when it comes to making the best turkey or pumpkin pie. Don't give into it this year. Tell yourself that it's okay for your sister to have that award or for your mother-in-law to run the kitchen. Let them be happy in their element while you enjoy some relaxation on the couch watching football. No one will think any less of you and you'll actually get to rest your feet while others are slaving away. Maybe use this time to talk with another loved one who usually sits in the living room out of the way.
5. Bring a peace offering. If you have had squabbles with loved ones in the past or during holidays, bring a gift or fun treats that can be a peace offering. It could be something as simple as an extra dessert, funny turkey calls or pumpkin spiced lattes for the hosts. Be creative and you may be surprised by the smiles you receive!
6. Bring games. My husband teases me because I grew up in a family where board games and card games were always on hand. So, sometimes when I know that I will be tempted to "take control" of the kitchen or talk about subjects that may cause an argument, I bring simple games that help clear the air and bring laughter back into the atmosphere.
7. Go for a walk. Sometimes, there is just no way to ignore the giant elephant in the room, especially if there has been a recent fight or argument between you and a loved one. I'll admit it's hard to come together with loved ones whom you have offended or been offended by and try to act cheery without being fake. I try to steer clear of certain subjects that may bring up old arguments and if I feel like I want to say something that will cause more pain, I go outside for a walk and clear my head. Sometimes, fresh air is a great way to calm the embers.
8. The gift of forgiveness. Unfortunately, the people we love the most can hurt us the most and vice versa. I have said things to my family members that I would probably never say to a stranger because I was hurt, angry or afraid. I'm not proud of it, but I know that it's also my responsibility to make amends if I can and ask for forgiveness. So, I encourage you to do the same and if you have offended someone or been offended there is no better time to ask for forgiveness or grant forgiveness than during the holidays. We can buy many shiny, expensive gifts for people, but if we still hold a grudge against them in our heart then those gifts are meaningless. The greatest gift we can give someone and ourselves is the freedom of forgiveness.
9. Love yourself. Loving the unlovable is hard. However, loving yourself can sometimes be the greater challenge, especially if we have caused others pain or torn them down with our words. Once you have asked for forgiveness, whether they have forgiven you or not, I encourage you to love yourself not for who you have been in the past but for who you want to be in the future. Look at yourself in the mirror and see the person that you envision for the future---loving, kind, generous, intelligent, successful, debt-free, etc. Make a list of who you want to become and hang it where you can read it daily. Believe me, others will begin to notice and those "unlovely" people in your family may even begin to change, too.
10. Look to the future, but don't forget the past. As as a child I always thought that forgiving someone meant I had to completely forget what they did to me and never think of it again, and if I did think about it then I still had not fully forgiven that person. But, I was wrong! Forgiveness doesn't mean you completely forget what happened; it means that you don't allow the emotions connected to that incident to keep you chained by anger, bitterness or vengeance. It's okay to remember the offenses of the past as valuable learning lessons because it allows us to be wiser in our words and in relationships, but we should remember that the future is a clean slate where we can have better boundaries in relationships being careful with our words and how we allow others to treat us. One of the BEST books I ever read about developing healthy relationships is called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. It will change your outlook on relationships and about yourself.
In conclusion, I hope you will make every effort this holiday season to forgive others, forgive yourself and intentionally create new, joyful memories with others. Some relationships can be renewed and others can never be repaired because the other person may not want to fix it, but you have a choice to love the unlovable and make a new memory that will be remembered with a smile for years to come. This year, I encourage you to try your best.
Great Resources:
Turkey Calls & Toys
"Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud
