the Prison of Unforgiveness
Forgiveness is hard. I was faced with several reminders this week of various people I have been hurt by or also wronged, and the pain that still lingers between us like ghosts floating in the air. The terrible things I said, the rash behavior I portrayed, and the extremely manipulative reasons I have for justifying it all.
As much as I want to portray myself as a beautiful, accomplished, wise, mature and angelic person, the memories of these offenses I have against others only remind me of how truly dreadful, wicked and selfish I am. It’s so easy to think that the past is forgotten and other people have moved on after our confrontations, but even if they have, I still can’t break free of the memories…. and regret.
One of these incidents involved several roommates that I had when I first moved to Los Angeles. We became good friends and enjoyed our time together, but when the time came for us to renew our annual lease they sat me down at the kitchen table and told me all the reasons why they didn’t want me to be their roommate anymore. It caught me by surprise and tears began welling up in my eyes. Without thinking, I lashed out to defend myself and decided to throw back even more hurtful accusations at them! It was an all-out war!
Let’s just say, the roommate situation didn’t end well and we did not part on good terms. This is just one of many scenarios that I have stuffed in the deepest files of my memory that I hate to think about. Whether it’s a falling out with roommates, an ex-husband who had affairs, a terrible boss who treated me like dirt or a family member who never thanked me for anything, each moment and person holds power over me—the memory hinders me from going forward with a free conscience. And worst of all, the self-pity that I have built around my heart from these hurtful situations has become a comfort zone of self-defense.
So how do I ditch these haunting memories and forgive those in my past who have hurt me or who I have hurt? The best visual I can muster is that forgiveness is like a prison cell where you’re sitting in your own cell while the other person(s) of the situation sit in their own cells. When you ask for forgiveness or grant forgiveness to others, then you unlock all the cells. However, you now have the choice to fully receive the gift of forgiveness and walk freely out of your unlocked cell, but the other person(s) have to make their own choice to receive the same gift of freedom and walk out of their cell(s). You can’t force others to receive or give the gift of forgiveness. It’s each person’s choice. And that’s the painful part. I asked my ex-roommates to forgive me for the vicious retaliation that came out of my mouth and for ending our friendship, but they did not say they were sorry for their own hurtful words and treatment towards me. In the end, I learned that it did not matter whether they responded to my gift of forgiveness or apologized for their behavior. What truly mattered was that I was free--free from the destructive thoughts I had against them and the revenge I wish I could pour into their laps.
This dissection of my heart reminded me of Jesus when He said, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14, 15 NLT).
Forgiveness. It’s quite a painful word, but in the end it has the power to unlock your cell and set you free...here and in heaven.
